What is there to do
When you’re told
That your feelings
Are an illness?
And it’s spreading.
A numb, wet cold;
A plague without desire.
My mind is diseased.
And what is there to do
But just let it bleed?
For there are no bandages to conceal
What cannot be seen.
I am currently savouring happiness like squirrels savour their acorns.
Although they may only be a countable amount of moments when I feel wholly content; the first bite into this euphoria feels, without a doubt, worth all the time, effort and pain that it took to get there.
I’m writing this because I don’t want to forget that I have found myself smiling…
Against even the most lethal odds.
I would estimate that I have least 43 epiphanies everyday. Some are inevitable insane like my decision to take maths at A-level or waking up at half 6 each morning in order to see more of the day. (Both of these, as you can imagine, didn’t end too well!)
I find it very difficult to trust myself. A thought entirely formed in my frazzled head doesn’t always feel like one I should go by, not least dedicate time to.
Yet, on the rare occasion, my leaps of faith turn out for the better.
For example, one of my new years resolutions (yes, I occasionally conform to society’s trivialities!) was to start only drinking water and whatever the date is today will be the number of days I have stuck to it.
Although that means I have given up my beloved cranberry juice and my bladder appears to take great joy in waking me up at crazy hours in the night, I have already started to feel better for it.
Not so long ago I had a potentially life-changing epiphany. I spent many hours and days arguing with myself, trying to convince myself that it was just another of my crazy ideas spouted from a mind that isn’t always the most solid. But, there was no talking myself out of it.
After the reassurance and even encouragement of my family, friends and teachers my one-off epiphany I had at 3 in the morning has now turned to reality.
Although it may not seem like a big deal, in fact the more I think about it, the less big it becomes, I have decided to spend another year in my home town before leaving for uni.
This isn’t because of my grades nor is it due to some aspiration of mine to see all corners of the world before my nineteenth birthday.
I’m doing it entirely for myself.
Before I leave my home I want to be the best person I can be and I know what I need to change in order for that to happen. I want to undo my mistake of taking maths and complete an A-level in art, amongst other things.
I now feel a lot less pressure and I’m happier for it.
Just don’t be afraid to occasionally trust your early-hour epiphanies, even if you know that they will seem even a little crazy the next morning.
Those eyes… like stone they’re so dreary
A single glance makes death seem appealing
And certainly more promising,
Perhaps even pleasing.
Truth was and is your
Greatest lie of all.
Deceit makes the foundations of your being,
Like cement in a cold wall.
And if it were knocked down?
Oblivion would catch your fall.
A recent drawing of mine, perhaps mimicking the fury with which this poem was written!